Emails and things

A wonderful Message by George Carlin
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but
shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less. We buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses and smaller time.
We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less
judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less
wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too
little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too
tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned
how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing
the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less. We accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more
copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small
character, steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but
broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality,
one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from
cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the
showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not
going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe,
because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is
the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a
cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but
most of all mean it.
A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of
you.
Remember, to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person
will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak and give time to share the
precious thoughts in your mind.
A Closed Mouth Gathers No Foot


Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was
an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a
chemist, the fourth was a computer tech, and the fifth was a government
worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your
stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen
and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed
that was pretty incredible.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to
his dog and commanded "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out
into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them
into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his
dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to
the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the
cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone
agreed that was more than a little impressive.

The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard Drive, have
at it." Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked
for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an email, and installed
a cool new game. Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow.

Then the four men turned to the government worker and said,
"What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break,
do your stuff, Boy." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies,
drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer, sexually assaulted
the other four dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a
grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers
compensation and went home for a six-month sick leave. And everyone
agreed that Coffee Break was the most impressive dog of all.


A blonde walks in to the den of the house and says
to her husband, "Honey, can you come help me with
the puzzle I'm doing? The picture on the box is a
tiger, but I just can't seem to get the pieces to
make the picture". The husband walks to the
kitchen table where the box is and says, "First,
sit down and have a cup of coffee. Second, PUT
THE FROSTED FLAKES BACK IN THE BOX!"


Seattle: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still wouldn't give him the money, so the robber called the police -- and was arrested.

A guy wearing pantyhose on his face tried to rob a store in a mall. When the security came, he quickly grabbed a shopping bag and pretended to be shopping, forgetting that he was still wearing the pantyhose. He was captured, and his loot was returned to the store.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. They placed the message "HE'S LYING" in the copier, and pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed to the police.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking" stole a steamroller and led police on a 5mph chase, until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

AVweb, a weekly aviation news letter, reported that a bungling burglar broke into a Mooney aircraft at the Knox County, Ohio airport and removed its avionics system, including the Emergency Locating Transmitter or ELT. This device sends homing signals if the aircraft crashes. You can guess what happened next. The ham-handed crook jarred the ELT enough to activate it, and authorities had no trouble tracking the perpetrator to his lair.

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer was $15. Question: if someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

Subject: inner peace

"There once was a king who offered a prize to the artist who would
paint the best picture of peace. Many artists tried. The king looked at
all the pictures. But there were only two he really liked, and he had to
choose between them.
One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was a perfect mirror for
peaceful towering mountains all around it. Overhead was a blue sky with
fluffy white clouds. All who saw this picture thought that it was a
perfect picture of peace.
The other picture had mountains, too. But these were rugged and bare.
Above was an angry sky, from which rain fell and in which lightning
played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This
did not look peaceful at all.
But when the king looked closely, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny
bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built
her nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother
bird on her nest - in perfect peace.

Which picture do you think won the prize? The king chose the second
picture. Do you know why?
"Because," explained the king, "peace does not mean to be in a place
where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the
midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the
real meaning of peace."

Author Unknown (But Greatly Appreciated!)

lmao